The end is coming soon

The covenant is coming to an end soon... and i'm losing myself day by day. I'm not sure if God will honour His word, but i'm gg to fulfill mine. Anyway, i would have gone straight to it if not for the diversion when God asked for the covenant. Did i intentionally asked for it? No, i'm sure i didnt, He invited me to it, and i thought He'd fulfill it. Guess i'm wrong. How can i continue to believe in Him anymore, when what He said He would not do? Num 23:19 - Is He a man that He should lie, or a son of man that He should repent? Will He say and He would not do? Will He speak and not make it good? 

I'm tired of all the excuses what others are saying, if that is not what He had said, through the same voice, then all i had heard previously are not true either. 

God, are you there?

Where are You when i earnestly seek you? 

Did You ever spoke to me, or is that my hallucination?

This covenant is so important to me, i cannot lose it. Yet, as hope dims away day by day, i cannot help but feel rejected. Not by anyone, but by You. 

For You are the word, Your rhema word is so important to me, it is You. How can i continue again if the word You've spoken do not come to pass. It's less than a month to your appointed day but i am just walking further and further away from it.

I am just walking on the line every single day, and i am in danger of falling to the bottomless abyss every moment. Please help me, Jesus!

Forgive Your faithless child

the birds have nests, the wolves have lairs, but i can't find rest for me soul. i thought if i come to God, He will provide me the rest i needed, but even He failed me. Is He a man that He should lie? Is He a son of man that He should repent? Why has He said, but wont do, why has He spoken, and don't make it good?

It's coming to the midway of the covenant, but the clouds have just become so dark i cant see the way anymore. I am faithless. But i will tarry till the end of the term. Let me see if He is really who He said to be, and let me be a testimony.

My soul is not at peace... if i cant find rest in good, then let me find rest in destruction. At least there is destruction! Since that is what He made me to be - the abomination of desolation! Let sheol be my resting place, but i will gather the treasured ones of those around me, and tread on their tears to my own resting place. Not one left~

I've never gambled a single cent in my life. But now, i want to stake all i have to see God's promises. If His promises really did come to pass, i'll set my whole life to His biddings and never doubt Him again. If not, i'll be owned by the stakes i had put in.

let go

talked to pst Tim and Hawling, i've decided to let go of the covenant, and let God :)

I dunno wad i shld do, can do, to make things happen. Unless the Lord builds the house, they labour in vain who build it. I know all i did amounts to nothing, but i just cant sit there and wait. This is my final point, either God makes it, or i'll break apart and come back no more. Indeed God has spoken, and i did according to what He had asked me to do, in the best that i could. I've given my pledges, my tithes, my offerings faithfully,i according to the amounts He'd asked. In all these times, i believed that He had spoken, and i want to believe that things will work out accordingly. If it doesn't, then how will i ever know if He ever did spoke to me? How will i ever be able to believe again? I've walked out of Him, but He brought back the remnants of whatever faith that is left in me. But this seed is helpless, it needs the miracle from God if it ever wants to grow again. God is the sunlight, but the seed also needs water and fertilizer to grow.

Out of faith, a seedling has emerged from the dead seed, but if water is not coming in due time, it's going to be scorched by the sunlight, and never to grow ever again.

uneasy path

It's coming to the end of the 3rd wk, and the journey hasn't been easy. Day by day, i'm just sustaining on the little providence God gave me. If not for that, i really dunno where i would have been already. It's a struggle everyday trying to have faith in God's covenant. I've been doing all i can, i've been seeking and asking the Lord. Not that He didnt show me, but i needed more. I need an assurance of a promise, i need you to start talking. Sorry for the impatience, i know it's too short. I will wait, and i will be patient, i will control myself wisely. I'm walking on the tight rope everyday, and i almost fell a few times every day. I need to have more faith....

God's Best!

i believe that God's "best" for us is for us to make the best out of the normal things He gave us.

It reminds me of the story of a woman estrangled in a flood. A rescue boat and a helicopter had came to her aid, but she refuse their help, becos she believe that God will show up to help her. Eventually she was drowned and went to heaven asking God why He didnt rescue her. And God told her he had sent her a boat and a helicopter, but she refused to be helped.

I believe that what i'm asking for, is what God has put the desire in me. And i have to claim it and make the best out of it, and it WILL become the BEST God has for me.

Jesus, pls help me wf this. Let me be patient and wise, n make me exercise self-control. There are times when i wasn't good, when i turned away from u, nt heeding ur advice but went on my own evil ways. But God, let me come back to you n follow you. Teach me your ways. This is the chance i'm waiting for, please let me not spoil it again. Let me be strong in this n go through this in triumph, for i know You r a good God.

walking in faith

Dear God, let me put my faith in you and not to worry of the things i'm yearning for. As Your word says, "If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you,"(Lk 12:28). Let me trust in Your provision and know that You will deliver me. Amen! I'll walk in Your righteousness till the day of your deliverance, and not let me doubt in You ever again.

the stake

Ever since i've made the covenant with God, i was repeatedly challenged by how is it going to happen. I'm torn between putting my whole faith in God and submitting to the fate of reality.

I am challenged by the "dark side of me" daily, hour by hour, to submit to the fate that it will never happen. 3 months? I'm doubtful of it even if it is 3 years!!!

Nevertheless, i was prompted by the "God side of me" that God knew what He was doing when He let Ps Cesar made the call for the covenant. "God knows the desires of each and everyone of those who came forward for the covenant, and He is going to make all these happen, in 3 months time", "God will always honour His covenant, it's in the bible. Even when we are faithless, God remains faithful". Some more, i didnt initiate the covenant, God did! And He even promise it to happen in 3 months time! I went forward, just hoping that God will somehow, someday make it happen, probably after a long time, but i was totally surprised when Ps Cesar said it will happen in 3 months time. I even tried to "help" God by saying that I will deem the covenant to be fulfilled if something close to it shld happen or if there's some other alternatives. But God says no!! The exact thing i had asked for will be given to me, as in the covenant.

I had fulfilled my part of the covenant. And i'm working towards making myself ready when the covenant is fulfilled. It's really difficult, and i was challenged daily by doubts from the devil and my lust of the flesh. It's only the 2nd day, and i'd already succumbed to it. But i know that i am not perfect, and i applied the blood of Jesus over myself. I let it take away the guilt of not able to keep myself pure, i put everything onto the cross. I know the grace of God is sufficient for me, but i will not take it for granted. I am working towards dying to myself daily on the cross. And i know that even when i am faithless, God will be faithful.

To let the "dark side of me" to be in peace of totally submitting myself to the covenant, i want to stake my whole life into the covenant. If the covenant is not fulfilled in 3 mths time, then let me die. But when the covenant is fulfilled, i will never be able to doubt God ever again. This is the greatest thing that God can do for me. If He can do this for me, He can do everything. Never again will i be able to fall once again, and let me rise up to the position that God wants me to be in. Amen

covenant

The G12 Conference was great! I'm so glad i went. Pastor Cesar was awesome, he spoke faith into my heart, and i was truly encouraged by his words. Even daniel khong's message was timely, he spoke what was really in my mind. However, what really amazed me was the sermon by Ps Cesar after that, and the covenant he invited us to make. I had been asking God about the question for quite some time, and i couldnt get any definite answer. When the speakers called for ministry, with invitation direct at my situation, I decided not to walk down to the altar. I wanted to hear a specific word from God to call me. I want to be sure that God is asking for me. I dont want to go forward, thinking that God is calling me, fell into the presence of God, but come back, back to my usual self again. I dont want it just to be a temporary "feeling" but i want it to really work out for me in real life. So i told God, "If You will, please show me that it is really going to work out in my life instead of making go forward for a temporary state of "high-ness" but back to my same old problem after i walked out of the church!".

I thank God for Ps Cesar's calling for the covenant, and i want to thank God once again that i am in a situation where i can fulfill the covenant. I felt it was God's way of assuring the unbelieving me that He is going to really fulfill his promises to me. I believe it. So on top of the matter of what Ps Cesar got us to fulfill, i told God that i will sanctify myself to prepare for the fulfillment of God's promise to me, for the whole of the 3 months. Not as part of the covenant though, but a show of my trust in Him for the fulfillment of the covenant. It's difficult, and i know i probably wont be able to do it. Not by my own strength, but i'm going to rely on Him to help me with it.

It's truely amazing, i gave myself 3 years but God promised me 3 months! It's almost impossible for me to even think about it, but i know that with God, all things are possible! So i'm going to trust in His providence. Then after which, i will commit my whole life to His cause.

planning ahead

It's time for me to get serious wf what i am going to do. Have been hearing a lot from my colleagues about all the various things like cars, houses, stocks etc etc. It moved me to really want to get started to plan for my future ahead. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail, i always rmb this quote since my city harvest times.

Graduation is not the starting a new point of life for me. I felt backtracked a few years instead. Instead of starting from point zero, i'm coming from negative 20k. That's roughly the amount i owe for my 2 study loans and 1 laptop loan. Then i still need to start my driving lessons real soon, give money to parents, etc etc. It really seems like "money no enough".

Nevertheless, God thought me not to focus on my problems, but rather look ahead of what i am going to do. I wouldnt get nowhere if i just fix my eyes on all the problems i am having. So i have decided a plan for myself.

Long-Term Goal: To live more than comfortably, without having to worry about money.
Short-Term Goal: To start my own business, drive, and get attached.
Time-frame: 3 years

1. I want to own a car in 3 years time.
2. I want to be an entrepreneur, and i want to come out with a business plan by the end of this year.
3. I want to start my business hopefully in 2 years time.

Well, regarding relationship issues, i want to take it slowly. I've realised that i've been too eager, like a dog "on heat". I repented. I was reminded of Jo's teachings - take it slowly, because it's going to be long-term. I know my odds for you is really low, but i will take it easy and slowly. By God's grace, if we somehow get tgt, then i will give in my very best to it. Afterall, i want to be financially well-endowed and spiritually ready for you.

leaving

in one of the quietest moment of my day today, you came. And you told me that you need to go, this place isn't for you, and you cant stay here much longer. After all these 15 years, the day is finally coming. During these years, you have stayed with me through thick and thin, you're always there for me whenever i need you. But i wasn't all that faithful, i'm sorry. There are times when i have hoped that i can replace you, times when i wish you'll leave my world, times when i hope you'll transform. But u never left me. From where you came, there u'll be going back. but i will go with you, i've made up my mind. There is nothing here left that will make me want to stay, but you are the reason i'm living today. I guess my 3 years will become 2 now.

the pain used to hurt me, but i'm used to it now, because there is no way out of it. when u are in perpetual pain, then u'll realise why the bowl of stew is greater than your birthright.

disbelief

Time moves real fast in my head, i just felt like it's been dragging on for ages. And as time goes by, my faith is leaking day by day. I had been walking thru the tunnel for quite some time, trying to find light. Not so anymore, as i went deeper day by day, i grew more acquainted to the darkness, and i've found a home inside the tunnel. It's some sort of mixed feelings, of yearning to see the light, but yet unwilling to betray the warmth of the darkness.

As hope diminishes little by little, i drew further and further away from the people around me. I had cried for help, but now i know that it's futile, i gave up trying. Now, i'm looking forward to sheol, it's no longer a place of fear of the unknown for me, but a place i'm familiar with. I almost felt i belonged there. The promises of God just seem like bullshit to me, more and more.

Waiting for God's grace

Been talking to tim and hl last sunday. As expected, it wasn't a deep one, but something very much floating on the surface. Both of us are just being politically correct. What i got from all his talking is that he is busy, and he doesn't know how to carry on with the situation, but yet, he doesn't want to let go. And he'll rather maintain the status quo, hoping that one day things will change, like gold dropping from the sky.

Well, so much for the efforts he made. Nevertheless, i am still lost in which way to go. Follow the head's sensible direction to heaven, or the heart's prompting to Sheol. But how is heaven heaven when there is no love but the general consensus of what is right; then how dead is sheol when that is the only place i can find warmth. My head tells me that i can have both, with the way to heaven, though i cant see it. I'll wait, wait for God's response. If He is really who He claims to be, He'll show it to me that He really cared. For the words in the bible will just remain to be ink printed on paper, until it is fulfilled in action. And i aint even asking for anything outrageous, but what i need.

Anyway, i dun need to wait for long, i dun have much time left. By the end of 3 years, i'll know how true it is.

Emo Nemo

Stones taught me to fly, Love taught me to lie,
Life told me to die, so it's not hard to fall, when you float like a cannon ball

Stones taught me to fly, Love taught me cry,
So c'mon courage, teach me to be shy.
So it's not hard to fall, and i dont wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall, and i don't wanna lose
It's not hard to fall, when you know that you just don't know.

Things have been going on strangely, i was so amazed how some people can really "only hear the good stuff" that they want to hear, and totally filtered out the rest of the message. But it's ok, i will try to co-operate still, if that will open a chance to you, for me. Though the chances are slim, but i'm willing to give it a try. If only you'll text me....

taking things lightly

through times of barren-ness and goal seeking, i have come to the point of taking things lightly. Everything that God has placed in my life, my work, my passion, the church, even this life that God gave me. From dust i came, to dust i go, i carry nothing and will take away nothing.

What i always wanted, i always pursued, i still want it eagerly sincerely. I wanted to tear apart my pride and my strength, and rebuild myself to one you like, but i know even if i did so, it will still amount to nothing. I wish you'll give me a positive answer, but i know it's not going to happen.

Nevertheless, i am strong, because of this love that has been with me for 15 years. I am alone, but i am not by myself, because of you. May this last for another 3 years, and i'll go to reside in your place. I am who i am today because of you, and You, who allowed this.

stepping forward to nobody's land

i have been practising on my guitar everyday after work until late in the night. Nowadays, guitar and music seems to be my best companion. I love learning new songs that are not so easy to play, it just makes me love the instrument even more. I'm even thinking of getting a multi effects for my acoustic. Hopefully, i will be able to do well enough to join a band or something.

Day by day, i'm stepping onto this land of the unknown, which i am uneasily familiar with. It's a land of no return, but it is where love and shelter is.

There goes another hope i tried to grab onto. I'm sad but i'm ok. After being through so many times of these, i'm much stronger than before. Nevertheless, each time it comes and goes, i become more relying on you, and i'll become stronger each time. Thank you, i'd never have made it without you.

Life's getting boring after coming out to work, think i'd need to find something interesting to do for this last 3 years of my life, so i wldn't regret it. :)

First day of work!

Well, it's my first day of work today at NCS. Rather boring i'd say. The person i'm supposed to replace will only leave tmr, so i'm stuck there in the office, sharing the same cubicle as him, but without a computer to usE! OMG! Tats' like taking away my breath away from me! OK, i'm exaggerating....

Anyone, i spent the time disturbing people with my sms-es. Haha.

Wanted to spent the time playing guitar, but i needa update the website. Sianz...

Songs to learn:

"Over You" by Daughtry!
- i didnt like the song at first, but after a few more rounds listening to it on youtube, i began to like it a lot. Anyway, it's the genre i wanted to play when i first started learning guitar.

"Cannonball" by Damien Rice.
- beautiful song with radical lyrics!

guitar craze

omg! i'm stuck in the guitar mood! Cant do my work, but just want to play guitar, learn new songs from youtube and picking up tabs on guitarpro.

my, oh mine!

genesis of change

Well, decided to get on to blogging again since it's the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I've ended my 3.5 years of school and hall life, and i'm stepping into the corporate world once and for all.

I'm being so used to transitions and changes, somehow, i didnt even feel a tinge of sadness moving out from my beloved hall. God is constantly putting me through changes in the environment where i am in. Since the time after primary school, i've always being going in directions different from my peers. Almost all my friends went to catholic, but i end up in st andrew's; Then after sec 4, everyone goes to SAJC, but i chose SP. After which, i think most people from my poly go straight to the corporate world, but i got into ntu. Then is the transition from city harvest to fcbc.

Then now, i'm moving on to a new tribe, out of Ps Tim's and Hawling. I hope it's going to happen fast, it's being dragging for so long. Lastly, i've finally manage to give up on hummingballad, because i prefer rockjazz. Nevertheless, it's too early to say anything, and i don't want to drown myself in any unrealizable hope. Lastly, i just cant stand going JH with metro and hb.