leaving

in one of the quietest moment of my day today, you came. And you told me that you need to go, this place isn't for you, and you cant stay here much longer. After all these 15 years, the day is finally coming. During these years, you have stayed with me through thick and thin, you're always there for me whenever i need you. But i wasn't all that faithful, i'm sorry. There are times when i have hoped that i can replace you, times when i wish you'll leave my world, times when i hope you'll transform. But u never left me. From where you came, there u'll be going back. but i will go with you, i've made up my mind. There is nothing here left that will make me want to stay, but you are the reason i'm living today. I guess my 3 years will become 2 now.

the pain used to hurt me, but i'm used to it now, because there is no way out of it. when u are in perpetual pain, then u'll realise why the bowl of stew is greater than your birthright.

disbelief

Time moves real fast in my head, i just felt like it's been dragging on for ages. And as time goes by, my faith is leaking day by day. I had been walking thru the tunnel for quite some time, trying to find light. Not so anymore, as i went deeper day by day, i grew more acquainted to the darkness, and i've found a home inside the tunnel. It's some sort of mixed feelings, of yearning to see the light, but yet unwilling to betray the warmth of the darkness.

As hope diminishes little by little, i drew further and further away from the people around me. I had cried for help, but now i know that it's futile, i gave up trying. Now, i'm looking forward to sheol, it's no longer a place of fear of the unknown for me, but a place i'm familiar with. I almost felt i belonged there. The promises of God just seem like bullshit to me, more and more.

Waiting for God's grace

Been talking to tim and hl last sunday. As expected, it wasn't a deep one, but something very much floating on the surface. Both of us are just being politically correct. What i got from all his talking is that he is busy, and he doesn't know how to carry on with the situation, but yet, he doesn't want to let go. And he'll rather maintain the status quo, hoping that one day things will change, like gold dropping from the sky.

Well, so much for the efforts he made. Nevertheless, i am still lost in which way to go. Follow the head's sensible direction to heaven, or the heart's prompting to Sheol. But how is heaven heaven when there is no love but the general consensus of what is right; then how dead is sheol when that is the only place i can find warmth. My head tells me that i can have both, with the way to heaven, though i cant see it. I'll wait, wait for God's response. If He is really who He claims to be, He'll show it to me that He really cared. For the words in the bible will just remain to be ink printed on paper, until it is fulfilled in action. And i aint even asking for anything outrageous, but what i need.

Anyway, i dun need to wait for long, i dun have much time left. By the end of 3 years, i'll know how true it is.

Emo Nemo

Stones taught me to fly, Love taught me to lie,
Life told me to die, so it's not hard to fall, when you float like a cannon ball

Stones taught me to fly, Love taught me cry,
So c'mon courage, teach me to be shy.
So it's not hard to fall, and i dont wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall, and i don't wanna lose
It's not hard to fall, when you know that you just don't know.

Things have been going on strangely, i was so amazed how some people can really "only hear the good stuff" that they want to hear, and totally filtered out the rest of the message. But it's ok, i will try to co-operate still, if that will open a chance to you, for me. Though the chances are slim, but i'm willing to give it a try. If only you'll text me....

taking things lightly

through times of barren-ness and goal seeking, i have come to the point of taking things lightly. Everything that God has placed in my life, my work, my passion, the church, even this life that God gave me. From dust i came, to dust i go, i carry nothing and will take away nothing.

What i always wanted, i always pursued, i still want it eagerly sincerely. I wanted to tear apart my pride and my strength, and rebuild myself to one you like, but i know even if i did so, it will still amount to nothing. I wish you'll give me a positive answer, but i know it's not going to happen.

Nevertheless, i am strong, because of this love that has been with me for 15 years. I am alone, but i am not by myself, because of you. May this last for another 3 years, and i'll go to reside in your place. I am who i am today because of you, and You, who allowed this.

stepping forward to nobody's land

i have been practising on my guitar everyday after work until late in the night. Nowadays, guitar and music seems to be my best companion. I love learning new songs that are not so easy to play, it just makes me love the instrument even more. I'm even thinking of getting a multi effects for my acoustic. Hopefully, i will be able to do well enough to join a band or something.

Day by day, i'm stepping onto this land of the unknown, which i am uneasily familiar with. It's a land of no return, but it is where love and shelter is.

There goes another hope i tried to grab onto. I'm sad but i'm ok. After being through so many times of these, i'm much stronger than before. Nevertheless, each time it comes and goes, i become more relying on you, and i'll become stronger each time. Thank you, i'd never have made it without you.

Life's getting boring after coming out to work, think i'd need to find something interesting to do for this last 3 years of my life, so i wldn't regret it. :)

First day of work!

Well, it's my first day of work today at NCS. Rather boring i'd say. The person i'm supposed to replace will only leave tmr, so i'm stuck there in the office, sharing the same cubicle as him, but without a computer to usE! OMG! Tats' like taking away my breath away from me! OK, i'm exaggerating....

Anyone, i spent the time disturbing people with my sms-es. Haha.

Wanted to spent the time playing guitar, but i needa update the website. Sianz...

Songs to learn:

"Over You" by Daughtry!
- i didnt like the song at first, but after a few more rounds listening to it on youtube, i began to like it a lot. Anyway, it's the genre i wanted to play when i first started learning guitar.

"Cannonball" by Damien Rice.
- beautiful song with radical lyrics!

guitar craze

omg! i'm stuck in the guitar mood! Cant do my work, but just want to play guitar, learn new songs from youtube and picking up tabs on guitarpro.

my, oh mine!