The end is coming soon

The covenant is coming to an end soon... and i'm losing myself day by day. I'm not sure if God will honour His word, but i'm gg to fulfill mine. Anyway, i would have gone straight to it if not for the diversion when God asked for the covenant. Did i intentionally asked for it? No, i'm sure i didnt, He invited me to it, and i thought He'd fulfill it. Guess i'm wrong. How can i continue to believe in Him anymore, when what He said He would not do? Num 23:19 - Is He a man that He should lie, or a son of man that He should repent? Will He say and He would not do? Will He speak and not make it good? 

I'm tired of all the excuses what others are saying, if that is not what He had said, through the same voice, then all i had heard previously are not true either. 

God, are you there?

Where are You when i earnestly seek you? 

Did You ever spoke to me, or is that my hallucination?

This covenant is so important to me, i cannot lose it. Yet, as hope dims away day by day, i cannot help but feel rejected. Not by anyone, but by You. 

For You are the word, Your rhema word is so important to me, it is You. How can i continue again if the word You've spoken do not come to pass. It's less than a month to your appointed day but i am just walking further and further away from it.

I am just walking on the line every single day, and i am in danger of falling to the bottomless abyss every moment. Please help me, Jesus!

Forgive Your faithless child

the birds have nests, the wolves have lairs, but i can't find rest for me soul. i thought if i come to God, He will provide me the rest i needed, but even He failed me. Is He a man that He should lie? Is He a son of man that He should repent? Why has He said, but wont do, why has He spoken, and don't make it good?

It's coming to the midway of the covenant, but the clouds have just become so dark i cant see the way anymore. I am faithless. But i will tarry till the end of the term. Let me see if He is really who He said to be, and let me be a testimony.

My soul is not at peace... if i cant find rest in good, then let me find rest in destruction. At least there is destruction! Since that is what He made me to be - the abomination of desolation! Let sheol be my resting place, but i will gather the treasured ones of those around me, and tread on their tears to my own resting place. Not one left~

I've never gambled a single cent in my life. But now, i want to stake all i have to see God's promises. If His promises really did come to pass, i'll set my whole life to His biddings and never doubt Him again. If not, i'll be owned by the stakes i had put in.

let go

talked to pst Tim and Hawling, i've decided to let go of the covenant, and let God :)

I dunno wad i shld do, can do, to make things happen. Unless the Lord builds the house, they labour in vain who build it. I know all i did amounts to nothing, but i just cant sit there and wait. This is my final point, either God makes it, or i'll break apart and come back no more. Indeed God has spoken, and i did according to what He had asked me to do, in the best that i could. I've given my pledges, my tithes, my offerings faithfully,i according to the amounts He'd asked. In all these times, i believed that He had spoken, and i want to believe that things will work out accordingly. If it doesn't, then how will i ever know if He ever did spoke to me? How will i ever be able to believe again? I've walked out of Him, but He brought back the remnants of whatever faith that is left in me. But this seed is helpless, it needs the miracle from God if it ever wants to grow again. God is the sunlight, but the seed also needs water and fertilizer to grow.

Out of faith, a seedling has emerged from the dead seed, but if water is not coming in due time, it's going to be scorched by the sunlight, and never to grow ever again.

uneasy path

It's coming to the end of the 3rd wk, and the journey hasn't been easy. Day by day, i'm just sustaining on the little providence God gave me. If not for that, i really dunno where i would have been already. It's a struggle everyday trying to have faith in God's covenant. I've been doing all i can, i've been seeking and asking the Lord. Not that He didnt show me, but i needed more. I need an assurance of a promise, i need you to start talking. Sorry for the impatience, i know it's too short. I will wait, and i will be patient, i will control myself wisely. I'm walking on the tight rope everyday, and i almost fell a few times every day. I need to have more faith....